Words Can’t Hurt You

I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

If you receive an email telling you not to eat tinned pork, don’t open it.
It might be spam.

I may not know much about golf, but I know how to hold the bat.
(Johnny English)

My mate doesn’t have a bank account because he doesn’t know his mother’s maiden name.

What I’m looking for is a blessing that’s not in disguise.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.

I used to be middle-aged, now I’m muddle-aged.

I’ve never had amnesia, not that I can remember anyway.

My dear, you must come again when you have less time.

My mate went for a job last week but failed something called an aptitude test.
When I was at school they didn’t even teach aptitude.

I’ve seen the future, and I’ve turned it off.

When my mate was a kid his dad got a puppy for him.
Everyone said it was a fair trade.

I never panic when I get lost.
I just change where it is I want to go.

We can’t all be heroes.
Someone has to sit on the kerb and clap as they go by.

I know I’m crazy.
Normal people scare the crap out of me.

My toaster has two settings – Too soon and too late.

One day I intend to be that little old person in the nursing home that leads the rebellion and puts vodka in the cups of tea.

I’m going to succeed because I’m crazy enough to think I can.

Yes, I sing out loud in my car.
Yes, I see you staring at me.
No, I don’t give a shit.

Some people are very particular about their food.
There has to be lots of it.

If you have crazy friends, you have everything.

If you see me smiling, it’s because I’m thinking of doing something evil.
If you see me laughing, it’s because I’ve already done it.

My mum told me to follow my dream.
So I followed this beautiful girl.

Words can’t hurt you.
Unless of course someone hits you over the head with a dictionary.

I have decided to leave my past behind me.
So if I owe you any money, I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on.

A hug or a cuddle is a great gift.
One size fits all, and it’s easy to exchange.

My mate fell off a 50ft ladder.
Luckily, he was on the bottom rung.

I have never had premonitions.
But I think that one day I might.

Some days I am just one idiot away from a nervous breakdown.

Have you ever just looked at someone and thought: ‘Seriously?’

One day I will solve my problems with maturity.
But today, however, it will be with alcohol.

I need to get on medication so I can slap stupid people and blame it on the side affects.

Middle age is the time of life when you finally get your head together.
Then your body starts to fall apart.

There’s no excuse for laziness.
But if you know one, let me know.

Everything happens for a reason.
Sometimes the reason is simply because you are an idiot and make the wrong decision.

What do you do when you don’t know what to do anymore?

If you choke to death on a piece of meat, that is natural selection.

Duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

Don’t make excuses for nasty people.
You can’t put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase.

Not only does my mind wander, sometimes it walks off completely.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to absolutely no one.

I hate anyone or anything that disagrees with my mental disorders.

What’s my favourite childhood memory?
Not having to pay bills.

Whoever thinks money doesn’t bring happiness, transfer it to my account.

Someone told me that I drive everyone crazy.
That’s not true.
They arrive there all on their own.
I just give them directions.

Being poor is when you have too much month at the end of your money.

Do I really have to go to work?
I would much rather stay home, look like shit, and do nothing.

When the going gets tough, take a break.

My three moods:
I’m too old for this shit.
I’m too tired for this shit.
I don’t have time for this shit.