When I’m Having A Bad Day

Summer Is Here.
That’s when we head straight for the beach in droves
Like a herd of animals jamming up the roads.
Beer bellies and hairy legs
That haven’t seen sun for ages
Come out on show shamelessly
And those are just the ladies.

Come Live With Me.
Come live with me and be my chick.
Give me your answer, make it quick.
I’m not the kind of guy to wait
There’s women queuing at my gate.
I’ll let you cook and wash my slacks
Do the housework and scrub my back.
What do you reckon? Say the word.
Come live with me and be my bird.

The Medical Book.
I opened the medical book
How I wish I’d not taken a look.
From cover to cover, I tried to discover
The symptoms I’ve shown.
Now the problems I’ve read
Point out I should be dead!

Getting Older.
I’m not impressed with getting older
It doesn’t seem like a lot of fun.
Every joint seems to be seizing up
And my feet won’t let me run.
One of my greatest pleasures,
Is a long, long soak in the tub
Up to my chin in bubbles
And a bestseller from the book club.
( Pam Harman )

It’s A Girl Thing.
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee.
And I can justify any shopping spree.
Don’t go to a barber, but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage without a hard-on.
I can balance the cheque book, I can pump my own gas.
I can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
My beauty’s a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit, to others when I’m wrong.
( Love Bug )

There Was A Young Lady.
There was a young lady so wild
She kept herself pure undefiled
By thinking of Jesus
Venereal Diseases
And the dangers of having a child.

My Mind Went For A Stroll.
My thoughts were way too deep
I just couldn’t get to sleep.
My mind went for a stroll
And fell down a rabbit hole.

When I’m Having A Bad Day.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.
And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.
When I’m having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up,
It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile
And only four to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth.

Two Dead Men Got Up To Fight.
One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead men got up to fight.
A blind man came to see fair play.
A dumb man came to shout hooray.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot one another.