My Goal For This Weekend

Does anyone have plans to go somewhere exciting to stare at their phone this weekend?

Just because I swear doesn’t mean I don’t have manners.
I always say please when I tell someone to f**k off.

I don’t like to be mean.
Hold on a second.
Yes, I do.

If you’re not going out tonight, dad, can I borrow your money?

I might look like I’m doing nothing.
But in my head I am very busy.

Sometimes I wish I was a nicer, more agreeable person.
And then I just smile and carry on as I am.

My bank balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft.

Ignorance can be educated.
Crazy can be medicated.
But there is no cure for stupid.

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

For the first time in a while I feel really happy.
Then I realised.
I’m drunk.

Do geologists know if a type of rock exists from under which Katie Hopkins would not be able to crawl?
( Brian Reade, 26.07.2014 )

This whole getting older and being responsible shit is getting in the way of my fun.

Yes, it is possible for me to behave.
I just don’t want to.

In my defence, the moon was full and I was left unsupervised.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look.
I thought you were just ugly like that all the time.

Some people just need a hug.
Around the neck.
With a rope.

Perhaps if we tell people the brain is an ‘App’, they might start using it more.

I want to be a nice person, but so many people annoy me.

You don’t like me?
Hold on a minute while I think of all the shits I don’t give.

Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?

Dear Lord, please give me coffee to change, and wine to accept the things that I can’t.

I’m sorry.
My fault.
I forgot you were an idiot.

I’m not saying you’re stupid.
I’m just saying you sometimes have bad luck when it comes to thinking.

Damn right I’m good in bed.
I can sleep for days.

I used to work as a waitress.
The pay wasn’t great but at least I put food on the table.

I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I didn’t make any New Year resolutions.
No one likes a skinny, sober bitch anyway.

When I’m feeling mischievous, I go to furniture stores and ask for a decaffeinated coffee table.

I’m not always a bitch.
Just kidding, I always am.

I only drink champagne on two occasions.
When I’m in love, and when I’m not.
( Coco Chanel )

I’m sorry that I offended you when I called you stupid.
I honestly thought you knew.

The backsides of many must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of their mouth.

I love my relationship with my bed.
We sleep together every night.

My goal for this weekend is to move just enough each day so no one thinks I am dead.

I tried my best to see things from your point of view.
But your point of view is stupid.

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

I am a Ninja.
No you’re not.
Did you see me do that?
Do what?
Exactly!

If anything you read on this website offends you.
Blame your parents, because they raised a pussy.

My imaginary friend thinks I have serious mental problems.

When I’m mad, I either cry, or I turn into a psychopath.
There is no in-between.

I tried to be normal once, but after three minutes I gave up.

When I was at school, I was misbehaving a bit and my teacher stuck a wooden ruler under my chin and said, “At the end of this ruler is an idiot”.
I got detention for asking “Which end?”

I don’t have any bad habits.
I’m good at all of them.

Clearly, I am no match for your level of ignorance.

I need a six-month holiday, twice a year.

Those are my principles.
If you don’t like them I have others.

A good start to the day is when you have me for breakfast.

I believe my house is haunted.
Every time I look in the mirror, a crazy lady stands in front of me and blocks my reflection.