I Stay A Bit Overweight

As I sat drinking my wine, I said, “I love you.”
He asked, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
I said, “That was me talking to the wine.”

They scoffed when I told them I’d one day learn the secret of invisibility.
If they could only see me now.

If a police officer asks you..
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
It’s not a good idea to answer:
“Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you.”

Give me a minute, I’m just checking my Give-A-Shit-Meter.
Nope, nothing.

When I’m mad, I am an evil bitch from hell..
And I can make you wish you never met me.
But when I’m happy, I bake cakes and other shit.

To save time, let’s just assume I am never wrong.

When a guy asks me if I can cook.
I ask him if he can build a house.

I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn’t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, and thin.

You’re the reason I get up in the morning.
Just kidding.
I have to pee.

With age comes wisdom and more sophisticated mischief.

I’ve been single for a while and I have to say, it’s going very well.
It’s working out.
I think I’m the one.

I am under no obligation to make any sense to anybody.

He has finally found his true love.
What a pity he can’t marry himself.

I love men.
Even though they’re lying, cheating scumbags.
( Gwyneth Paltrow )

I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
I’m thinking of making a few more.

The supply of available curse words is very often insufficient to meet my demands.

We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
So we are not fat.
We are just really intelligent and our head can’t hold any more so it starts filling up the rest of us.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.

Being good in bed means I’m propped up with pillows and my partner brings me breakfast.

If you want me just whistle.
You know how to whistle don’t you?
Just put your lips together and blow.
( Lauren Bacall )

Some guys are dark and handsome.
When it’s dark, they’re handsome.

My idea of flirting is being as sarcastic as humanly possible.
And seeing if you can handle it.

Did you ever look at someone and just think ‘asshole’.

The older you get, the longer it takes you to get over a good time.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.

You know you’re getting old when you have a party and the neighbours don’t realise.

The world’s shortest book: ‘The Lawyers Code Of Ethics’.

I don’t argue.
I simply explain why I am right.

I know I said I wanted to lose weight.
But I’m hungry.
Chocolate understands.

A neighbour is someone who listens to you attentively.
Through a wall.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you’ll die healthier.

If they don’t have chocolate in Heaven, I’m not going.

As you know, I never repeat gossip.
So listen very carefully, I’m only going to tell you this once..

If you think there’s good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

MONOPOLY is just a stupid game that teaches kids that having enough money means you can easily get out of jail.

I had plenty of exercise last week.
I was out seven nights running.

In my neighbour’s house, when there’s smoke, there’s dinner.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

I get to sleep at night, and mornings are okay.
But I’m having trouble dropping off in the afternoon.

Sometimes to see the light, you just have to open the fridge door.

They say everyone has a double somewhere in the world.
I’m just counting my blessings I wasn’t yours.

The key to happiness?
Stay well away from assholes.

Why can’t you just for once agree with me and admit I’m right?
Don’t be silly.
If I agreed with you that would make us both wrong.

After everything I’ve been through I am still smiling.
Not because I’m strong but because I’m crazy.

I know you’re an asshole.
It’s one of your best qualities.

If Facebook ever shuts down..
You will meet people in the street that shove pictures in your face.
Shouting, “Do you like this? Do you?”

Boys make good pets.
Every girl should have one.