California Is A Great Place

My mate wrote to his girlfriend everyday, now she’s getting married to the postman.

Some women are expert housekeepers.
Every time they get divorced they keep the house.

I’m now at the age where I’ve got to prove that I’m just as good as I never was.

In this world it’s not what you know, it’s who you know.
And I don’t know either of them.

The older I get, the more everyone can kiss my ass.

I was born in very sorry circumstances.
Both my parents were very sorry.
( Sir Norman Wisdom )

When I’m invited to someone’s house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is ask everyone to leave because I don’t like visitors.

One good turn gets most of the blanket.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.
The same hand that feeds you can easily choke you.

When I was born I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year.

I love my family.
Without them I would probably be normal.

Somebody’s boring me.
I think it’s me.

I can’t understand why more people aren’t bi-sexual.
It would double your chance for a date.

California is a great place if you happen to be an orange.

For the last time, I didn’t text you.
It was the wine.

A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can’t help himself.

I’m telling you I’m not a dog.
My Mum said I’m a baby and Mum is always right.

The less people you talk to, the less bullshit you have to listen to.

Man:    “Can I buy you a drink?”
Lady:   “No thanks, alcohol is bad for my legs.”
Man:    “Do they swell?”
Lady:   “No, they spread.”

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal of fattening.

I’ve turned my life around.
I used to be depressed and miserable, now I’m miserable and depressed.

I feel like I’m already tired tomorrow.

I went on a diet.
I stopped drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

If you fall down and break your leg, don’t come running to me.

Camping.
When you spend a fortune to live like a homeless person.

When I want a good reputation, I shall buy one like an honest man.

Be unselfish.
Give up what you don’t want.

I’m old enough to remember when mentally ill people were put in hospitals and not in the Tory Party.

I’ve got rid of all the unhealthy food from our house.
It was delicious.

Don’t bother to think ahead.
Tomorrow will soon be yesterday.

An egoist is a person of low taste, and more interested in himself than in me.

I don’t like reading because it takes my mind off myself.

It is always the best policy to tell the truth.
Unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

I find it easy to diet.
I just eat what I can afford.

I drink coffee because I need it.
And wine because I deserve it.

Do unto others as they would do unto you.
Only do it first.

I was always taught to respect my elders.
I’ve finally reached the age when I don’t have to respect anybody.

My favourite thing about winter?
When it’s bloody over!

Is there life after death?
Hurt my child and you will soon find out!

I know the voices in my head aren’t real.
But sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome.

I don’t just talk to myself, I get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.

Dear Karma, I have compiled a long list of people you missed.

I am not moody.
I simply have days when I am less inclined to put up with bull-shit and crap and nonsense.

Eat whatever you want.
And if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too.

I thought myself a bum and had my reasons.
The main reason being that I behaved like a bum.

Thank heavens the sun has gone in and I don’t have to go out and enjoy it.

Never work before breakfast.
If you have to work before breakfast, eat your breakfast first.

If you think I talk too much, let me know.
We can talk about it.

They say money talks.
But mine just waves goodbye.

I’m either too tired to listen to all the crap and bull-shit, or too sober.